Unpredictable Garbage

In a corner

2012-01-26T19:48:00.001+08:00

There comes a time I think in everyone's lives where you are so distracted with the internal battle of emotions that you can't seem to process where it is you set yourself in life. The path that I have always seen so clearly into my future, is now clouded and dark without a single guiding light nor is there anyone on this path with me to accompany on this truly terrifying occasion.

Sincerely, if the solitude in who's company it is now that I keep has not alarmed those that have said, or truly care for me I am at a lost. I find myself at a dark rest stop on this road in life that is threadbare and dilapidated that I imagine is my mental image of the state of my poor heart.

Have I laid cemented in this position for so long that I can see the creepers grow around this place I used to find safety, with it's crumbling stones and leaking roofs the castle in which I escape to seems to be falling apart, behind these walls I shut myself seeking and screaming for any type of warmth, have I finally given up?

What exactly have I given up on I am not too sure, but it must have had a drastic impact on the foundations of my well-being that I wish nothing more then to waste away in this sea of pity I have been swimming in for good god knows how long.

I think I know who, or the memory of what may save me from all this. But I myself have shut the door from that ever coming to my aid, in which I so desperately need it. So thus I have signed my death warrant for the days to come or maybe more dramatically said forever more. I pull away from so many, I no longer wish to focus on the good of the nature of the many but rather fear what intentions these people have.

I am frightened at the prospect of living when I know I can no longer see the light in which I used to bask in.

Hope/Disdain

2012-01-25T12:16:00.003+08:00

People take so many things for granted, they even take hearts and love for granted to. 5420 Miles that was my distance.

Having to go through only having words and disconnected voices for so long, that feeling of embrace when you can finally see and have that cherished person in your arms is really, really indescribable.

I'm rooting for the two of you. You Give Me Hope in so many ways.

I really, really cannot emphasize on what it is that holds me back for looking for something warm in this world.

Hidden behind these smiles,
Is a soul that tires,

Hidden behind this strength,
Is something already broken,

Hidden, hidden away from everyone.
Is what we are truly are.

This world, it's cold is too cruel for most hearts. Those that aren't already warm gets dark and cold. But , hope is at a glimmer if you're lucky enough to go through with what god had planned for all of us.

We are made by God, obviously. God meant to make us in pairs, but sometimes it is not so. So look for that soul you are meant to be paired with, for it is God's design. If not, then hope your heart stays warm when faced with the cruel cold of this world.

Warped and Twisted

2012-01-03T15:19:00.001+08:00

Something has gotta give,
Something is gonna give way.
Something has given way.

Broken free, or maybe drifted dead far far from me.

I live to enjoy things that are made for artistic value.

Be it someone's voice, the strums of a guitar, to the strokes of a brush to canvas and the words penned by a pained heart. But I can't focus on all this without a muse that ties my waning heart to this world. Is it really too much to ask for to feel warmth in my arms and words that are whispered only to my ears? To see that feeling of want in the eyes of someone, and to return these feelings to the person without any fear of it going to waste.

Really man, I just wanna feel loved.

Oh and Happy New/Last Year Readers!

If you could only

2011-12-21T03:30:00.000+08:00

If you could do it all over again,

Would you?

If you could do it all over again,

Could you?

If you could do it all over again,

Can you?
If you could do it all over again,

Why don't you.

In retrospect, I don't regret a single decision I've made till this day, as it has obviously gone far into making me the person I am today.

But I just wish, maybe I could have found something my heart and soul latched on to a lil' better. Grow courageous instead, of fearful.

Goddamnit, why can't I say to you that I like you for who you are.

Confessions

2011-12-19T07:56:00.001+08:00

I watch these and cry, cry for all I was and what I am now.
I made so many promises, so many broken now.

On the ground,

Scattered all around.

Knees to the ground,

Tears never-ending; flowing to the floor.

Through the eyes, the windows of my soul.

From my heart, pointed and ready to shoot a pistol.

I cry, cry with these tears,
Every single fallen teardrop across my cheeks sears.

I have fallen, fallen so far.

What ever happened to that ever so high par?

Never have I spoken against these hypocrites that multiply by numbers, that walk all around sucking away sincerity and good-will in exchange for their own selfish desires, dragging many down to their levels of abyss. Where light does not pierce.

I warn you now, this shall not be about a bright redeeming redemption, a lost unrequited love. With words, I shall by all my power let my mind and heart speak as I pour all that I have kept. Listen to the plea that is my heart's deepest secrets and insecurities. I fear not the judging eyes, for I am alive. You may draw breath, eat, and make a mockery of love whatever you call your needy passion of physicality.

That song, these people I am around. Makes me realise I am a fool, sinking like another tool to the deepest depths of a forgotten well. A well of self-pity and self-destructive torment. These words I shall speak, speak more truth then I ever have to anyone. That is living.

I have seen the bottom of that well, I have drowned and died. I have sank to that bottom, and taken the illicit tasting chemicals produced by the lifeless and soulless to only lead those who are already lost and misguided even more astray. I am a hypocrite that speaks against that short-escape produced in small pills and powders, yet I took that escape. Yes, I took it all. I know it all, I lied in the faces of those who love me, and I hope who still will. I know the pull of all this dastardly things. I am alive, but only so much so.

Every blunt was accompanied by the pink stuff

But Goddamn he loved that feelin'

Purple rain coated in the throat

Just so healin'

Medicine alleviate the sickness

Liquid affix and it comes with a cost

Wake up, cold sweat. Scratchin', Itchin'

Trying to escape the skin that barely fit him.

Come on' stay with me now.

I've seen death, the people that brought me into the abyss. It's like a dream that never happened, a memory that does not admit it was reality. A nightmare that materialized into the depths of a young boy's mind. They're all dead, dead in the ground with only God judgin' them now with all that's past. Leaving me behind, to scrape this living.

His eyelids closed shut,
Sat back in that chair clutchin' that cup

I'll value all that life, for I have seen the process of how some lost these lives. I fear to speak, I fear to be judged, I fear like no other for I know, lesser the experiences I have faced Hercules would stand there in tears to see my own trials. To see someone die, to lose your saviour.

He never got up, he never got up,
We live on the cusp of death thinkin' that it won't be us

It won't be us, It won't be us, It won't be us

Nah, it won't be us.

Run, run away from the realization that you're the one we sing, we rap, we rhyme, we write, we cry, we muse about. We're all the the soon-to-be do'er, the soon to be person who falls. We are the our own failures, the people we say we'd never be.

And "weeds not a drug" - that's denial.

Here's what it starts. The need to escape, to run from this world where we have gone blind to the light, to the good. To the emotion of others. We run, run.

I've seen oxycotton take three lives

We grow numb, numb to ourselves. Our soul, our heart. We want to feel again, even if it's pain and suffering the screaming of what you were once was. Look in a mirror, those sunken eyes is your 'sight' revealing how blind you truly are.

I've seen cocaine bring out the demons inside

Then finally, you find yourself over this. The final escape, where you finally reach the bottom of the well. Drowning in the numb tears of your soul, your tattered heart, and screaming essence of life. Through that small tunnel you use and abuse that holds all materialistic value, it sucks up and gives not life and escape but death and never-ending suffering.

Stealin' and takin' anything to fix the pieces inside

Broken, hopeless, headed nowhere

Come on, keep up. We're nearly done. Hope you're proud, hope you're satisfied seeing what is to have fallen. What else would you like for me to divulge, to break again and remake only to be broken and crippled.

That rush, that drug, that dope

Those pills, that crumb, that roach

Thinkin' I would never do that, not that drug

and growing up nobody ever does

Until your stuck, lookin' in the mirror like I can't believe what I've become

Swore i was goin' to be someone

And growing up everyone always does

We sell our dreams and our potential

To escape through that buzz

How long has it been? Since I've been alive. Since I chose life over death. The path of the constantly suffering, compared to the path of the easy way out. The cowardly, the selfish way out. Death by one's own decision. Never again will I sink that low.

Letting the demons take the reins,

Letting the judgmental eyes cut through,

Letting the anger well-up in my veins,

Letting those words; "I blew-"

No.
Fighting through the fake smiles,

Standing on your own ground,

Fighting through the sea of lies,

Standing up, instead of being drowned.

I am alive today, for those demons I have fought and destroyed.
The victims through this long life-time war, my innocence and naivety to the world.
These eyes are tired, seeing the wrong win amongst the right.

Thus why I stand.

Thus why I fight.
Thus why I smile.

Thus why I persever.

Throughout it all, I am breathing.

Tattered and tired.
But hey. I finally see the light at the top of that well I have fallen so deeply in.

Without the weight of any of these burdens no longer.
I am clean, my own person.
Unhappy with life.
But happy I fight for my happiness.

Fenced Walls

2011-12-16T03:52:00.000+08:00

Photo by My One and Only Patak

There's alot of significance then most would think to the term 'on the fence' or 'to the wall'. Depending even more on the culture, the racial stereotypes and even more so on the personal preferences on the persona that wishes to consume the meaning and definitions of those such words. What does it truly mean? To be trapped, or to stare and ponder at what it is that has been trapped by these walls.

Perched upon the lofty heights,
Unease comes with this gifted sight,

Video Blog #2

2011-12-13T05:23:00.001+08:00

I don't think I could really stress how damned pissed off I get at people who stain the name of love.

I just wish, things were so different.

Tatters

2011-12-11T18:24:00.001+08:00

Words laced with sadness,

In the pretense of angered frustrations,

Through the lives of all this madness,

The lack of any profound sensation.

I am numb.

I think I'll numb myself to all this pain and anguish by numbing first the part of me that thinks this world is fair, maybe then I'll lead a life that doesn't distinguish the pain I feel for my failings to be good or face the expectations of the many.

Words can only say so much in the emotions that currently spill from my tattered soul. It's tired, as am I both spiritually and physically in facing against these torrents of many abysmal spirits that lack spark and find joy in making the light of many others disappear.

It's a losing battle this, one I've been fighting alone since my mentor passed. Another reminder that life is just not fair.

Intertwined Memories

2011-11-27T12:25:00.001+08:00

So long ago,

Or so it seemed,

Was the undying melody.

The Hymn of two hearts.

Undying, brave and bold,

In unison without a name to hold,

The heart is weird and wonderful,

We all hold maybe three hearts in ourselves at one time.

The one we once loved, our own fragile heart at the center, and the one we are to love.
A story of two intertwined hearts is close but not the truth, as we do not truly ever let go of our pasts and only seek the future while we wallow in the unending haze of the present.

To clear the fog that shrouds one judgment and one's mind, you must first clear the haze that is the denial of your state of heart. Whether you're still infatuated with a thought or a distant memory; the glimmer of chance that is probably just a facade your mind plays on a desperate soul. To see forward and be true to your own heart seems to be the hardest thing to do.

When we constantly seek another heart to make ours feel as if it is not alone in this large and lonely world.

Fragmented Beliefs

2011-11-23T15:16:00.001+08:00

Close your eyes,
What is the first sound you hear?

The soft 'thump thump' that is your heart,
Without it, there will be no art.

Whether or not our heart is owned by another,
Or if you're in possession of another's,

We all have a reason for our 'thump thump',
What is or to be yours, but never slump,

Through strangled cries, and heartbreaking pain,
Seeking skyward advice, that you may never attain,

Experiences that can be both shame,
Or an inspirational flame.

Tears may come from all the cares as I may declare but in the end I just despair as I try to repair what was unaware.

Through come what may,
Thoughts that would lead hearts astray.

I love you, I loved you,
Truly what good did that do?

In all certainty, you were never something I could compare.

I'm still looking for mine, or rather. Discovering whether it is possible to find it again.

I've always regarded when you are happy with the thought of someone in your mind to be the most perfect, and unbreakable muse. But with the coming of days, and the maturing of a mind, I discover that to be false as the Easter Bunny, and a fat old man in the Artic.

Truly what naive mind would believe the many muses he once had to return so easily after throwing, or disregarding so many prior belief he has had on this chaotic and cruel world. The choices and decisions one has to make is by far to cruel to be put on a pedestal for one to choose at a market.

I am of human descent, of human mind, and fragile heart. A man can only do so much, and only act so much more to grounds which are never set in stone, and never unyielding to a fallen spirit.

Shooting Star

2011-11-13T17:50:00.001+08:00

You must have been expecting this no? :)

11.11.11 a date, like any other day. But with the significance to many others that dreams or wishes might come true on this palindrome of a day. Look it up, 11.11.11 is in more than just one palindrome.

I had a wish on that day, I don't remember where I was at 11:11pm when I made the wish itself but I do remember the strength in which I believed in my wish, the sincerity in which I really didn't want anything but for that to come true.

Patience is one of my strengths. Let's see if it pays off this time. Just this once.

Bloglovin'

2011-11-07T08:14:00.001+08:00

Not quite sure, what this is.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

But it told me to add some sorta HTML coding in the middle of all that, and I 'claim' my blog on this thingiemajiggy where it showcases blogs. Let's try this out.

Video Blog!

2011-11-07T07:11:00.002+08:00

I found a cool Website. This sounds like Spam doesn't it?

http://www.motivational-well-being.com/life-lessons.html

As you can see from the link/URL/website itself. It kinda speaks for itself. That, and it shows an Awesome TVC by the Late Yasmin Ahmad, with 346 really, true life quotes.

A Sweet Simple Melody

2011-11-07T06:40:00.003+08:00

I have always wanted to write a song, a melody or a verse maybe even the chorus and work my way around it. Frightfully, I have absolutely no sense of making my own kind of music, well acoustically anyway. Hell, not as if anyone really follows this blog anyway.

This isn for good heavens sake not going to be a song. I'll try another day, at a more godly hour.

It was raining, pouring inside of me,
But it was all sunshine and melodies even if it wasn't real,
With all the pains inside of me, I agree.

That it is here I, on my knees I kneel.
With all my hopes and worries, I decree.

You're the one I want,
Not just inside of me,
But part of me.

Symmetry

2011-11-04T02:05:00.003+08:00

I forgot what it was like to be left in a corner, forgotten and out of sight.

I have also forgotten what it was like, to be at a war with others instead of myself.

I have most of all forgotten what it has been like to be out of love, and dwelling in the gloom of hate.

I would like to however remember, what it was like to not be fearful and doubtful without hesitation.

I'd also like to remember, how it feels like being hugged by someone you love truly.

I remember, this feeling inside that everything is going to be alright.

Freedom

2011-11-03T19:10:00.001+08:00

We all have different perception and definition, even the general idea and notion of freedom. Would you rather physical freedom, spiritual freedom, mental freedom? So many different types of freedoms we take for granted in this 'caged' society.

We cannot speak, we cannot move, We cannot act.

By these ideas, by these beliefs we are bred to forever be ignorant, to forever be beneath the surface and only meant to exist never to truly break the surface of the water in which we look at the beautiful blue sky which can only see a distorted image of.

In only our most vivid of dreams, with colours, sights and sounds that make non-sensical sense of music and let us experience this sense of a vague world that you can keep your chin up, shoulders weightless and a sincere smile.

The sky is the limit, not by physical limitations but maybe by our minds. I just want to be free of my own heart.

Blanks

2011-10-30T23:55:00.002+08:00

I'm in pain and I don't even know why.
It's not a sickness neither which can be fought with antibiotics and pills,
Nor is it a wound which could be stitched and sowed.

But there is blood, so much of it.
So much pain and you're without a physical scratch,
This pain is not visible.

Get drunk, get wasted.

Get high, get shitfaced.

Let the drugs melt your buggered world you live in.
Let it make believe that your tattered heart still beats for a make-believe fairy-tale.

I don't know why I never did it earlier. But you know what. I don't see the a reason to not lie anymore, not just show a face to everyone that is fake and untrue. I am an actor, and I shall let the world be my stage of the biggest farce that I am to pull. My life, happiness.

Other than that. The distance of which I am going to put in between myself and those that care for me is going to be vast. I am want to disappear. I want to kill this caring self of mine. It gives me too much pain it's unbearable. Truly, and truthfully. I'm going to start this and it will not finish until I go onto my knees into tears and thank the person that saves me.

From my own fuckin' self.

Ink

2011-10-26T05:50:00.001+08:00

It's been awhile since I've done a double post, then again I don't think the other really counts.

I've dropped my heart,
It's not blood but ink that starts to flow,
Words left unwritten and unspoken,
Choking up my many veins,
As much as my actions are thought to be in vane.

Please, please.

2011-10-26T05:16:00.000+08:00

Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time

Stand against the storm.

2011-10-23T14:16:00.001+08:00

I am reminded of a storm I once stood infront.
With my eyes half closed, I try to fight the winds that buffet me.
My body being nearly lifted off the ground, the coldness of the rain piercing my skin.
Both beautiful and frightening, inspiring both awe and fear.

The raindrops flow slowly, but I know it is fast.
As my heartbeats faster, the world seems slower suddenly.
I'm weightless now as I start to rise into a vortex.
But is this a hurricane, or what's going on in my heart?

Craptasticular

2011-10-23T11:57:00.003+08:00

Those were words I really were not quite prepared for. Perseverance has done me well in the past, and in strength and honor to my beliefs have seen my gone through much pain, but without sticking to what it is you truly believe in, I definitely believe you lose yourself.

So I shall be patient.
As clocks tick life away,
Tick-tock,
And maybe when the hands strike midnight,
I wouldn't have to leave a glass heart instead of a slipper.

Behind A Smile

2011-10-19T16:58:00.001+08:00

This is actually an old poem from a few years back. Can't believe I wrote this.

Tears ran down her pale cheeks,
When those words were out.
It was just another of his techniques
Which was just another doubt.

She was never good enough,
Not even for her.
Her dreams forever now,
Flew by broken by a slur.

He said he loved her,
But silently never meant a word,
He said he cared,
Saying he was just misheard,

One by one tears streaked,
Staining her pretty face.
No one knew she was so fragile,
Melting like thin ice,

She stared at the clutched knife,
As a tear hit the ground,
Would she dare use it,
When it once spread her feelings around,

So familiar was the steel,
But he came and made her stop,
Temptation returns,
as he killed her, with that smile.

She wondered why,
He would make her cry?
Make her not want to live,
But just die?

With a tear stained face,
She took her life,,
Mixing those tears,
With the blood of a heartbroken heart,

She did it for love,
Her tears said it all,
He was her depression,
When he pretended to fall.

No more tears,
On her tear stained face,
Nothing left,
But those blood-stained tears.

I Dream of Tigers

2011-10-16T13:38:00.002+08:00

It was fear at first of something so mighty,

Then just ease at something so elegant.

I haven't had a dream about giant cats in awhile. I remember running before that though, Ugh. I hate it when I can't control my dreams. Ever since I learned how to practice Lucid dreaming it's been quite cool how I ensure I don't have any of those really hurtful nightmares anymore.

I heard it's roar,

Majestic and loud.
Reverberating through the space of my dream.

Deja Vu

2011-10-16T03:16:00.000+08:00

You're the first one. Oh god.

Quite, literally. Music.

2011-10-15T23:53:00.000+08:00

I'm not versed in the words of symphonies and notes, but I sure as hell can write the song of love, and life, and sorrow and pain in paper.

This symphony I am to write is different in feel, yet. Familiar if possible.

So why is it I tempted to write songs, poems and the best of what I have not been able to write in ages. Inspiration or short infatuation? I'll let my heart decide as it always has, leading the way all this time in ignorance to what is said by my mind. My soul which reminds me of pain that comes with attachment and hope.

Thinking about it, I haven't written a song in ages. I wouldn't even know where to start with the melody.

Tell me, what makes a song sing of love,
Is it, the feelings involved,
The emotions that flow,
Or just a person in mind,
Do we really even know,

So tell me, my dear,
Is this song for you and I,
The memories that were not meant to be,
The times we had,
Long and past.

So we sing of love and sorrows,
Of pain and comfort,
Of loneliness.

This is a song of love,
Cruel and Harsh.
The way it was meant to be.

Suck it up. You're not the type to be selfish enough to sacrifice the happiness of the many for your own.

Such is life, and love.

Que Sera, Sera.

The Difference Between Goodbye's and Farewell's

2011-10-15T23:14:00.000+08:00

I've always wanted to write about this. Finally reminded myself to.

I've always been careful of how I say goodbye to those I choose to be around me. I've been especially careful who or when I say farewell, or why. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the difference between the two. I'm afraid to say I've been saying both far too much and far too frequently.

Farewell, Goodbye.
Similar meanings, but different messages,
One short, the other permanent.

So these two words can either mean a short parting or that of sorrowful and painful divergence of paths. Pick wisely, for these are the words you will be saying to those who have been the biggest impact in life. Such is life, and love. I think that has become my saying.

Happiness, delusions

2011-10-10T22:56:00.000+08:00

I mean seriously, don't you think we all deserve to be happy?

We go out there, day to fucking day, hoping for happiness. When you think down to the root of all your efforts, the reasoning behind why your pushing yourself, why your studying your ass off, why your trying to impress that pretty thing you saw at the club, why your scraping a living off a minimum wage job. It's for happiness, and that's all there is to it. Well, unless you're religious, then it might be for god or something to it. But yeah, I ain't religious, so I'm not touching on that topic. *I'm so going to hell*

So here we are. In this world, where everything seems to just, well plain fuck up.

You think yourself undeserving. You're mad as hell as how the world lacks all manner of being unfair, you want to burn, curse, kill, maim maybe torture the reasons for you unhappiness but you can never bring yourself to it. You tolerate it like a thorn in your damned heart.

When it comes to it, when you're in a corner, stuck. You will lash out, you will kill to be out of that corner even if it means stealing someone elses happiness.

Lullaby

2011-10-04T00:00:00.000+08:00

Sweet soothing words, whispered into the orifice at the side of you head.

In a melody, no symphony could hope to ever repeat.

Meant to lull you to a sweet wondrous place where no worries are present.

With the warm breath felt on your cheeks, added with the sense of security, of protection with every stroke of your beloved parents or special someone's hand against your face.

Slowly your eyes feel as if they have the weight of the world on them.

Your heart beat slows.

You realise your breath becomes short and sweet.

Your body lies paralysed with the immense comfort of sleep.

You are lost in your own senses. You realise through the maze of all the impulses in your brain and the synapses with all your thoughts going berserk.

You are now dreaming of a place that should not be, or better never the worse.

A lullaby, of warmth and heart.

Of love, and want.

Words that seem to be sweet whisperings of nothing, but love.

Disco In The Trees

2011-10-01T13:39:00.002+08:00

The world is not as you know it.

The world is a forest of cities in sync with the forests of age, or it seemed so before centuries of mismanagement has left the growth to go out of control. Leaving nothing but anarchy and not even the basic comforts we are all accustomed to for the most part of these mega-cities. None stand old enough or knowledgeable to answer the question of how it has turned to be so. Most that live in these mega-cities know that 'Life just is the way it is', no curious queries into the origins of the world, none free-willed enough to think that 'there has to be more to life than this'.

The people of these cities are unhappy, the world in consensus is unhappy. The notions of happiness is something whispered down as fairy tales to children to help them survive the cold cruelty of what is now to be born into this world. The infrastructure that allows societies to exist peacefully no longer exists neither just cold heartless desires, misguided notions of power.

Humans have always had the unique ability to be able to rise from the ashes anew, but in this world where most of the past has been long lost. The term risen comes to be something new, instead of a phoenix. To be risen is to ascend to the ranks of those who can live in this skewed and twisted world in luxury and bliss; paradise. Those from the outside can only begin to ponder what it is to live upon the lofty heights of the risen can bring.

But there happens to be still an inquisitive soul still wondering the outskirts of outside of the walls. He has no name as much as many others, but apart from many others who wonder aimlessly scrapping a living with just the wish to live. He has a heart, and a dream.

To be risen.

An Introduction to what I am most probably going to write about? A future book, or a short story you wonder? Mix and match for me. Heh heh.

Sneak in either 'self poetry' or 'quotes'; consider "song lyrics"
Ultra-urban
Individualistic dead society
Unrequited love
Gray-Bland
Music
Anarchy
DEATH

September

2011-09-30T20:38:00.001+08:00

Whenever I say it out loud. I can't help but sing or hum a little bit of "Wake me up, when September ends" by Green Day not so long ago.

I really did feel as if I wanted to only 'wake up' when this god-forsaken month was over. A month that was supposed to be filled with forgiveness and eating all sorts of my local delicacies of Ketupat, Rendang and Kuih Raya was anything far from Merry. I battled with so much emotions, had to make so many decisions and most of I still need to decide whether I want to lie to myself and pull off the biggest act I've ever done. Selling a lie to myself. God knows whether I'm either oblivious or ignorant enough to actually believe it, not to mention short-sighted.

So let's sum up this Raya. I've had my hopes ripped away from me, I've had my heart broken freaking completely again, My hard earned truce between my father and I seems to have been broken by unavoidable circumstances that have just left me stunned at how unfair this world really is. In the last lights of August I promised myself a new start, but before that the world and it's horrible fates decided to break me for all I'm worth in this month of September; trying to reinvent me, or destroy me. Which is the neither the same nor different. I've decided to cut away from many, only a few rising up to the challenge of digging me up from my own grave that I slowly fill up myself. Such shock of which I never knew at the individuals that showed they truly cared for me, I doubt I would have ever seen through the facade and acts of all this liars in the world. My eyes have been clouded by only looking at the good of people, never in my simple beliefs of good in the world did I think it was bad. But it's worse than bad, it's horrible, paralyzing even to the human heart and soul to want to think of only the good in people. So is life, and the selfish apes that walk this planet. Apparently, we have a mind to stop us from just acting on instinct, I doubt so.

Through all this pain and torment though, I am pleased to say. I am alive, and awake to the world and all it's miserable filth.

I'm gonna start Slam Poetry again.

Please Great Teacher

2011-09-15T04:24:00.002+08:00

This is to the Great Teacher, Life.

Teach me please on how to let go. On how to tear my heart from my physical body. I'd pay any price even if it is to live the rest of my journey in this plane of life emotionless and destitute, for I cannot empty a vessel that is only that of another. I have had to do that once before, but as I attach myself and be selfless through my emotions I find that I am unworthy of that vessel and I am completely unworthy to walk this plane with my emotions intact.

Please teach me how to forget, teach me how to not waste this tears on a love that is not to be, teach me how to not love someone as I am right now. It has been 3 months now and at every opportunity that has arisen to make me move forward I have said "Nay" and thought it wrong to do so. I cannot even feel for myself anymore.

I can't even fucking look myself in the mirror. Love another? I'd rather die.

Cracked Armour

2011-09-13T03:00:00.001+08:00

I'm hoping you read this. Play THIS while you read.

I've made some changes to the old thing, was thinking of changing her name. But it proved to be futile to change my beloved's name anytime soon or ever maybe. Hope you like it!

I'm not sure how many actually read this blog still, or whether many of my old faithful readers realise that I have become quite active on her(I'm referring to my blog as her now) again. But, if any of you miss the writer of old. Here's a glimpse.

I still love you, never didn't nor did it ever waiver. Do you still .. a question that I will always leave trailing. I do not even know what to connect to that beginning of those words.

Your very name brings tears to my eyes, that if not for my deep knowledge in the grounds of holding back making such powerful emotions obvious or not showing my true emotions to matters I would have burst into a very fine mess.

I feel as if, I have done wrong upon myself.
I feel as if, I rather stay in shadow and pain.

I have feigned distance from you. But only in the physical capabilities of doing so, but in truth I have left more behind then I could ever recover from. My mind speaks volumes, and I reach out into nothing dreaming you are there.

I haven't had a day where my fingers don't type out a long text that I never send, not a day where my mind wanders and it inevitably comes to thoughts of you. Not a day that I stop myself from doodling your name over and over again into my overfilled notebook. Not a tear wasted when I try to wrest these jarring feelings from my heart and soul. If this is suicide without physical pain, then I am doing it.

I watch, and I am unhappy. I gather that maybe you are truly happier away from me. But I do not dare intrude in whatever happiness you have found. I did doom myself to shut myself away after acting as if I did not really care. Maybe in hind sight, it was too cruel for me to do this upon myself and lack the resolve to follow through it.

I really cannot see someone else hold you hand. Embrace you, be the reason you smile that smile I love seeing. I have not felt as if I cannot function like this for so long, where nothing comes to mind. The only thing I can vouch for is working properly is the frantic emotions that engage my heart when I feel as if you don't wish to ever talk to me, you cut conversations short and run.

Can't you see if I ever need you it's now, at the moment where I don't trust anyone or anything. Aside from maybe this delusion I have of you.

Expressions

2011-09-05T20:00:00.000+08:00

I am left with none of it.

As my previous readers or those who are just tuning in knows. I don't really blog much about trivial things apart from emotions, life and the world. I think I just contradicted myself.

So what's it feel like to break,
Left with this constant empty ache,
Nothing much to show, much to make,
Everything right now just feels so fake.

I don't want to listen to anyone or anything, maybe just run my soul into wherever it was devoid of having to feel anything. Everything I've worked for in a span of a year has crumbled in and around me, leaving in the wake the 'I' which is presently in my form right now without direction.

Each and every intertwining feeling,
And in every act that is concealing,
Tis' equal to the act of stealing,
Nothing remains but to stare at ceilings.

Delusional

2011-09-05T19:50:00.000+08:00

I speak this, or for any of you truly die hard context fiends out there.I write this out as a sincere plea for help to those who think they may know me or understand me.

I am starting to think all this time alone has started to warp me.

Slowly change my personality into something I do not wish it to become. My perception, my vision on the world is starting to differ to what I believe it is. Delusions are starting to cram my head, thoughts and desires concurred to be insane and mad by the inner council of my conscience.

What is to become of me? I'll let spill my feelings of what I can't say.

I am bitter. Bitter not without reason.
I am broken, broken through too much reason.
I look into my own eyes and I cannot see a glimpse of happiness,
It's as if I'm staring into a pit of my own emptiness,
What the hell ever happened to the warmth that accompanied my actions?
Not to be found, but to be replaced by this frigid void in place of my heart.

The slack-jawed shock at the retreat of many friends,
The stabs of knives on the back of new-found enemies,
The flow of memories like a rapid river coming to the surface,
Too much pressure to cork up or close off.

Damned I be it, screamed I cannot let it. This heart of mine cannot take abuse of this caliber. I work in strange ways, I barely even realise I do things the way I intend it, preferring to 'do it on the fly'.

"It worked to well you damned fool" I screamed to myself. "You thought so much of the person you care for, you didn't leave any room for yourself!"

Despair truly is the emotional embodiment of a dark spiral staircase going deeper and deeper down into what is the abysmal reality of how true people are.

Which is why I say I am delusional. Cause I have lost all sense of rationality.

Wondering

2011-08-19T08:52:00.002+08:00

So, I've had some thoughts swimming around in the soup that is ever so presently sloshing around in my cranium.

I must admit though. These thoughts might seem somewhat radical, maybe even worrisome to some and ...

I think even pleasing to even more.

I've been having thoughts that no person who laughs or smiles such as I should normally have, these thoughts have eluded me for awhile because I have always been smarter than to include my thoughts with my feelings in certain issues. I have segregated them like the Nazi's done upon the Jews and effectively sealing away and killing them without so much of a bated breath.

But I must admit, I am not perfect. . .

I left a small nick in the armor of emotion I have adorned upon my heart.

The volatile mix of what is my thoughts and long-held feelings left to die in the dark of my psyche are out and mixed. Anarchy rises in my heart and soul, dis-contempt creeps through my rational sense of what is to be and, as drastic as it may sound.

I feel like I've been down this path before. Where even in the day things seem dark and even in company I feel solitary amongst faceless people.

I cannot begin to differentiate between the truths or the lies, everything to me is untrustworthy and disillusioned, I think paranoia is all I have left. Finally, the depression is back.

I admit I have once tried to take my own life. Because what I had considered to my 'light' in these dark world was taken away from me. What had been the 'breath of fresh air' in all this poison, the only person that steered me away from becoming something I would always eternally regret. I moved on, I found something to slightly fill that lacking void in my heart.

But it isn't enough.

Like an addict these emptiness has become to eat at me. Eat at what I believe in, loosen my foundations of belief and faith in what doesn't so deserve what so ever. I think the term is to be sitting on the fence on a decision but what happens if I already have gone across to the other side, and I confer to myself these dangerous emotions I let run wild within myself.

Throughout life I have been through alot. I have done most except get married and die I think, for all that is treated as important to do in life, some might say to leave offspring. But I think I'd be doing them a favor not to tread this sad floating rock.

Well, I've dilly-dallied long enough. The main event, the climax the creme' de la resistance'.

I guess this is what they say is the bottom rung of the barrel, rock bottom, on the ground, and all other suitable metaphors for situations that have no hope, no light or anything else. Gosh I haven't been this melodramatic in an awfully long time. I am but a shell of stronger more determined force, and I could not have possibly hoped to live the life I had for myself when I could never even find what I wanted to live for myself. I've been living the life of someone that has died and gone for 3 years. In her beliefs, and I lost the sense of my own belonging in this world.

So it's only deserving that I think when I finally lose the ability to function for the deceased. The shadow should waiver and dissipate. In layman's term leave and never come back. Or maybe even simpler. . .

I don't want to live anymore.

Heartbeats Slow/Fast

2011-08-08T22:16:00.002+08:00

This is another one of my attempts to lose myself. In what I write and what I feel. To express what I cannot say to anyone, and even if I was tempted to I would keep silent to what truly is strumming the strings my heart as I wouldn't know what to place it as.

You slammed that door,
You nailed the coffin,
You drooped me to the floor,
And you say 'Fin',

I sought tranquility but all I ever found was distress,
With this my heart and soul pours emotions untold,
With sight regained, even the blind may repent,
Yet here I stand at the crevice of a dive.

Hey hey, here we go.
Freefalling with the wind buffeting your cheeks,
You taste the salty spray of the sea then suddenly,
You float, you drift. Weightless without a care till the you breathe in life.

With every fucking emotion I let go, I crush myself even further into whatever Abyss I crawled from, deceived by the light and it's warmth. I find myself in a world darker than the dark itself, without a shine that could pierce the shroud which I am in.

Poets speak of love, musicians sing of happiness. Yet what I write sings and screams of so much unspoken that this silence might make an Angel's lose it's very wings. With the day ahead and the nights sky waning. I watch the Sun, rise ever so slightly to let me see the light which has deceived me so.

We are all creatures of the Sun, yet are we truly in the Light or are we still all really in the Dark of our own hearts and souls.

Pride

2011-08-05T19:48:00.002+08:00

Is keeping me from asking a rudimentary question.

How do I be the guy I want to be to the person I love(d).

I've had I think 2 good chances at showing that I am more than adept at being a *shudder* Boyfriend, and yet it always seems to be that it wasn't meant to be, yet I felt it so strongly to, well, BE.

Here I am, staring at another empty slate of where I am to be. Thinking, why must guys have such stupid needs and I personally have a need to be somewhat comforted at knowing I have someone that I can hold and just feel warm. It's always been in my philosophy to strive in dire times, and rise up like a fucking phoenix through the ashes of what was me previously, I'd use another metaphor such as a snake shedding it's skin. But, that feels kinda Voldy-morty like, and well. I no like.

I want to ask some guys, how do you do it. How do you be such sweethearts no matter what, and always find yourself in the arms of the princess you fight for. I feel as if I fight for my princess to only send her along the way to something much better.

I know how the huntsman in Snow White must have felt to send away and save the fairest in the land for him only to find her Prince as the huntsman lay forgotten. I remember the reasons why I built up my first layer of walls, as I was so dutifully reminded the prior night.

It was a shocking reminder why I lay so detached from most of my peers, who voice out complaints of me being to guarded when it comes to my emotions and most of my thoughts. I wonder why could it be so. Well, if anything they see a physical envoy of what I, with my innermost thoughts and feelings sealed away in the highest chambers beyond the Minotaur's maze want most to see. It may be deceiving myself rather than to address such guarded problems but, I see none that I have known fit enough to hear such valuable notions which I guard so closely to my heart and hold with so much worth to treat it with the same ilk I hold it for.

I sense I have steered way of course with what I intended to write. But yeah, my blog. *GRINS*

I really should sum up the total of all my courage and ask one of these men, who transcends their original age to go through heaven or earth to be the person they love. For I think I have lost my light in that sense. I don't think I can meet anyone that can reignite that.

Abyss

2011-08-03T19:05:00.002+08:00

I've seriously got a thing for one word titles. Can't ever figure out why. Maybe it emphasizes a dramatic effect that only I can see? But then again, this is my place to vent. So I don't really give half a shit.

It's one of those low low's again that comes with life. Such is balance where there are high there shall be lows.

"Even the great seas have tides that come and go, such is controlled by the sea as Man is controlled by the great being"

So with this particular low in my ever so boring life comes with a set of particular road signs I wish I didn't have to come across, and it involves bypassing the residence of many sights I am quite particular to by heart. Peculiar how I always find myself at these kind of junctures of my life, and how I absolutely loathe them as well.

It's been awhile since I've felt this particularly hurt and completely worthless. Whoop-de-doo.

Thirty

2011-07-25T22:29:00.003+08:00

The amount of challenges in the equal amount of days I must do, in a writing sense of course.

Day 1 - A recent picture of me followed with 15 interesting facts about myself.

FIFTEEN?! Ah well, I agree to do this anyway. Might as well. Hobey-ho.

1. I'll start with my name, Nadhir was given to me by my dad in honor of his Iranian best friend who in a conflict or some sort of civil unrest was never heard of again. Thus I have my name.

2. I also have an English name! Richard McCormack. Which I still find amusing that I have such a name.

3. I love expressing myself, be it through expressive writing or through a performance on stage which could be anything really.

4. I love books and I love how writers can, with just words create a world which at turn of a page bring you into that same world.

5. I'm very distrustful of people, and when I do trust someone I trust them entirely. It's big fault I have, if I say so myself.

6. I'm licensed to teach Kendo, I also currently have ranks in Aikido, Kempo and can use a bow and crossbow easily.

7. I love dance, no wait.. I think I love anything that makes you move sports or dance. Which is why I play Rugby! Which reminds me I need to take up dance again.

8. I have giant nostrils. :]

Like huge.

9. I have a giant insecurity about my teeth, which is what I attributed most to why I never smile in pictures.

10. I have sorta like perma-eyebags.

11. I think I'm running outta facts about myself to give, I can't think of any interesting. I am a history buff. I love WW2 history as well as early world history. Something about how the world ran on philosophy and war that kept me so interested.

12. I started smoking with a weird reason, it was to cope with a death as well as remember it in a sense. Very long story.

13. I've been trying to control my dreams lately, it's sorta been working. But it gets creepy after awhile. When you lose control of it you think you're awake but you're not. So far I've become a superhero and another I was a bird.

14. I was given a chance to pursue poli-science but I lost the passion to try and be the change that inspires something. So I decided to take a more selfish route which is through communications.

15. I don't believe in love anymore.

Symphony of Therapy

2011-07-25T11:12:00.002+08:00

In whatever you do,

Be it that you sing,
Be it that you dance,
Be it that you write,
Or that you draw,

You always leave a little of yourself when you do what you love, or express yourself in your on special way. Call it an emotional signature if you may, and if the emotions are true, or if someone out there are actually paying attention to what is laid down there to bare. They'd notice the emotion of an art.

Some are born naturally talented at what they do, and believe me I have seen wonderful pieces of respective art but still felt dead emotionally, and yet we come across a short symphony that is laced with emotion that has a touch that is deeper than a knife in our own hearts.

So it seems, when I truly feel something. Something lost, something to protect, something maybe anything I can do my own respective art which to write and express my sorrows and joys in all manners of words since English is apparently the largest growing language in the world; in the sense of words of course not the amount of people picking it up.

I can't even look myself in the mirror anymore, I'm not sure what's looking back at me.

Is this a Title?

2011-06-19T05:14:00.002+08:00

I realise,

What I write here is mainly of what I feel.

What I write here, is what I think of, which for once sounds like it matters.

Strange thing is... Not forgetting how I normally write what I find to be strange as well as a thing, when for most times it never really is a thing, nor is it strange. But in fact, just the way of the world and the way people have acted for millennia to come.

Thus, where I start here today. I think blog writing has made my Introductory talents more and more diverse as one thing my lecturers love about my writing style is apparently how I open up a speech or an article. I think anyway.

I got waylaid again. I really think I suffer from ADD or ADHD or whatever it is that makes my attention span like a squirrel on cocaine, but I shall save that story for another blogpost far in the future. So, have you ever given any thought to how strange it is the way other people act or perceive the world. I know I have..

So this has to do with regrets, and having to handle those regrets that may or may not be there yet. Regret can come from many things, but most of the time it's the regret of not stepping forward or opening your heart to that special him or her.

But these are the regrets I hold, the regrets that are hung onto the walls of my heart. I am sure I am an individual adept enough at living within this unforgiving and merciless world, but of that I am also sure I am an individual incompetent at keeping track of the worries of my heart. Before I learn to speak the language of love I was told to learn the language of the heart which is without a doubt where love comes from, in metaphorical and literary terms anyway.

I am without a doubt, sure I am not capable of holding the emotions of two individuals, and no individual can sustain the torrent of raw emotions that come from my unguarded heart. So if that makes me an incompetent spouse, so be it from now forth that I really do I give in to these worries.

I realise now, it would be to selfish of me to ask someone to not only bear their own burden to live within this world. But bear my ever growing emotional burden I carry along my sleeves and shoulders.

Misdirection

2011-06-14T20:54:00.002+08:00

Is something I could confidently say is what happened to me.

Expectations and hopes and maybe even dreams or it could just be faith, I'm not really sure any more what lifted me up to the lofty heights of wherever I thought I could be. I am once again, in my hermit-like stature trying ever so hard to not be seen. Yet, only few choose to find a person who wishes to be lost, as well any sane mortal would fear getting lost in an attempt to retrieve the individual who so rightfully wants to remain lost.

Limbo I think is what it was called, in between two places but at the same time not going anywhere or not even sure if here is anywhere. A place where people wonder into by accident because without a direction or aim to go to, well this is the place we all end up in. That and all the left socks we've ever lost.

If it wasn't for this sweet oh diary of a blog I keep like a journal. I wonder whether I would have leaned towards the sociopath method of therapy. *In the chance a government analyst is reading this I am only kidding, in that void soul of yours some sparks of humor should still remain* I don't even know if there are any loyal readers anymore who actually still reads this.

We all want to love,

But do we know what love is,

To speak like the same mind,

To love and care with all grit,

To defend with all honor,

To spoil like a child,

To love like... rabbits?

Not so long ago, in a distant life with a distant mind. I jotted down what loved meant to me. I think love, like us all is an ever changing entity in which it grows and hides within our soul, hurts and heals like any of our wounds, and has hopes and dreams like all fools in this world.

Scream

2011-05-09T19:58:00.002+08:00

All your worries, all your insecurities, all your fears, all your dreams, and passions and all your sorrows into the night sky to be heard by the heaves and stars and you will only realize that one individual as powerful as you think you may be, the heavens are deaf to your worries and your voice is nowhere close to let even the closest star listen to your silent cries and wishes.

So think back, for just a second. Do you really know who would listen?

Strangers

2011-04-22T20:03:00.004+08:00

I watched something today.
I've also talked about something today.

To be precise, I watched this; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY

To give a brief summary of it, a comment from the viewers itself. . .

"Depressing, a film that shows such mediocre people and such a narrow concept of a relationship. It's always kind of depressing to see people who are stuck in ordinary lives. But what's more depressing is that people can relate to this film. Is the world really this boring and ordinary: everybody living the same lives and same relationships. Relationships that fade in the same way. " I raped the like button, just so you know.

I realise, that I realise more when I talk about things indirectly.

Stage 1: Meeting.

Stage 2: The Chase

Stage 3: Honeymoon

Stage 4: Comfortable

Stage 5: Tolerance

Stage 6: Downhill

It's strange that these stages, people go through them in relationships.

Back in Action

2011-04-11T23:06:00.002+08:00

My emotional state, spiritual state as well as my physical state. I'm back to square one. Almost there anyway, if my mental state goes as well then I'll basically be 18 again.

[Edit] May 9th 2011

Thinking back towards when I was going to post this, the emotions I was going through at the moment and how my sight for a moment was blinded by the raw emotions that is being a Cancer, and also being the person I have grown up to be, leaving my emotions unchecked. I have only myself to blame I guess.

Think back, anyway.

The blog is once again alive.

SCREW

2011-04-11T01:25:00.003+08:00

This is gonna be like another of those, I need somewhere to shout so I shall now abuse the fact I own a blog kinda blog posts. So yeah. You have been warned!

I don't know what to do now. As a fleeting emotion left, the other strengthened. Now the other is weakened, whilst the emotions return. I am at a lost, super like omgosh I'm screwed kinda lost. It's as if fate really expects me to respond to all this, or is this a test? God, I am telling you in advance if this is a test, this would be a personal blow! Like, low blow *Referee blows whistle* Red card, low blow etc etc foul list kinda thing!

God, I haven't been this conflicted in ages. ):

Ohana

2011-04-01T23:48:00.002+08:00

When people say that, they immediately think of a stupid ichke ichke voice that was given the name Stitch. But then again, it really does mean 'Family'

The word family can mean so many things, but I'll focus on just one meaning for this post. Ohana, a restaurant/bar/lepaq place/chill joint etc etc. Is turning to be one of the places that is gonna be rightfully where I wanna be to do my work and such. It's coming together to be a place where people hang-out and get to know one another, sorta like Level 7 but minus all the testosterone flying around trying to prove 'WHO THE MAN' all the fuggin' time.

*Cough* Which I did quite often too. *Cough*

We have people coming together to play music there again and mind you I've heard superb acoustic and reggae sets so far there, eventhough there really ain't a place to play, they made one! Some of my friends even set together a poker night to play, well obviously. Poker! Not to mention of course our friendly Shisha Man, Martin! Who has so many flavours especially our favourite... "Green Lady" :') Food is good, and the most important part so far? THE SERVE FREAKING BOOOOZEEEEE OH YEAH. I mean how cool shit is that, that on our Uni Campus there is a place that sells booze at not too shabby prices I might add!

I'm gonna grow to love this place. Gonna take pictures of the place soon and make sure I post it up and show you what Ohana really has to offer.

Did I mention there is a Shisha guy who goddamn puts Ganja in our pots? Oh and an Xbox Kinect.

Bliss.

Teenage Dream

2011-03-31T21:51:00.003+08:00

Ahaa, not like the song. But seriously. A teenage dream.

These teenage years, what do you want from it.

Freedom? Truth? Redemption and maybe even reflection or it could it possible be realisation? What I wanted in my teenage dream was to love and be loved with all my heart could possible give. Was to survive losing all that was my life and get back up bouncing and smiling. To do the things only teenagers can get away with without going to jail. To smile that sweet smile, when you realise "all in life is good"

To smile that same smile, with someone in mind. To improve for someone that made you smile like that. To go the distance with that person, to have your heart stop and nearly die when that person leaves and goes away with someone else leaving your heart in tatters and you still find the strength and fire to get up and move on again.

To find what you really really want, and know that eventhough you most probably won't until you grow up really really old, it wouldn't stop you from hoping that you will. To get that proud as shit nod from you old geezers that you've done them proud with how you have turned up to be.

So as a teenager. I've loved, lost, hurt, and bled, kept scars and healed wounds. Got back up and laughed at scabs, Lived with the broken pieces of my heart, smile with this breaking pain in my soul, kept the fire burning in my eyes eventhough it gets snuffed out occasionally, someone comes round to light it back up from time to time. Been given the cold shoulder and also warm hugs.

Life is real. I wanna just look forward and never, ever look back in sadness or in anger. But maybe in joy at the things that have come to past and have become in themselves lessons for my children for me to pass down to them :')

Fuck yeah life. Bring it on.

Instability

2011-03-30T21:56:00.002+08:00

No no, my soul says it nothing,

My head just keeps silent,

But oh no, no no my heart shatters and cries,

It breaks and it tears.

This pain I feel which no doctor can heal,

Which no science could possibly understand,

Doctor, oh doctor what is it that I need,

I look back down inside and I see what I am not.

It's come back down to a time where I have no idea what I am thinking anymore. Random thoughts fly and ting inside this skull of mine. Questions, questions with no answers that drive my mind insane, not there was much sanity left in the first place after all that I've been through. I braced my heart with sanity that is no longer there, so with this fake sanity which is truly insanity my heart grows unstable.

Instability, what a apt word. It defines what balance really is, brought into a world where unstable things fall and break and are deemed bad and horrible. Yet, why must we relate us to dirt and concrete when we are more than that. We are humans with hearts, with feelings, with thoughts and opinion and most important of course are our varied emotions. We are unstable and we fall, yet we learn to get back up. No matter how hard the fall, no matter how long we stay stuck to the dirty grimy floor. But we do get back up, different.

Change, improved. However you might want to call it, but we do! We don't give up. We don't let stupid tears get into our eyes as it pours out the thousand of words that can never be spoken, what is it, this feeling I have that everything breaks, everything is floating. This pain which truly no doctor could ever hope to heal, which no medicine could ever hope to medicated this sickness I am suffering from, love love why must you hurt so much.

I am not but a water sack with emotions. If I cry anymore. I'll be nothing more than just a empty vessel as so many in this world who have forgotten dreams and ambitions and emotions. Help me someone please, I'm losing my mind.

Life in General

2011-03-24T09:21:00.002+08:00

Times are dangerous once again, I'm thinking about bigger things more and more often lately.

Take a look at ourselves, not just what you see in the mirror this time it is about all that surrounds you. Think about the many different personalities you see everyday, the many different faces, the colours, the opinions even the processes used in thinking.

Everything totally, completely different. Yet, the 'system' or 'The Man' wants us to lose our individuality. By creating systems that want all of us to vomit memorized information back out into exams that set your life. Surely that cannot be what life is all about? Education would be one of the most important things in life if people.. no... The general populace didn't think of it as some dreary task. Education should immediately instill to people something that is genuine, something that a even a baby you possess. Curiosity, the will to learn and experiment.

We should want to know how things work, then we gradually process into how people work. Yet, now we are only given what 'The Man' thinks we 'should' no and not just what we, the general populace of the world would benefit from knowing. Turn back the clocks a century and we humans were not just cattle. We were thinking, we were inventing, we were changing the world.

But was this change for the good, or for the worse? Men who were educated were revered in whatever society they were in, because being educated meant you had to go on a journey of education of thyself in both spirit and mind. Not foregoing morale integrity nor foregoing duties as a man himself. Somewhere along the way I think we forgot how to be nice, don't you think? It's a dog eat dog world, it's a ladder where we step on others to reach the top, nice guys never win etc etc.

Hmm.... I could turn this into an epic. But for now, this lazy whiteboy is going to just say this. Research time.

Scritch Scratch

2011-02-21T03:40:00.002+08:00

Goes my fingers as they roughly probe my head through my newly found locke of hair. Not sure if I even spelled that right. Shows how much my English has degraded this recent years, not really thinking about these recent couple of years. Grr.

I come once again upon a set of crossroads laid out upon me. I don't believe you ever just come across one lone, solitary crossroad that completely determines your life. If people say, well the smart one's anyway; that life is about the choices that you make. Then it's about all the choices, every single one either big or small that matters.

Well, I'm here again. Infront another damned crossroad, but as you get older I seem to notice there really isn't a right or wrong path anymore. It's just whether you choose to remain true to yourself or you just conform amongst other things. Adding on to that, this nature of me not caring recently took a turn of the worse as I suddenly realised that my emotions I've kept locked up tight has escaped and is running rampant in my psyche. What is one to do I ask myself.

I stand my ground though, in my imaginary little crossroad in my twisted mind. Thinking, pondering ever so long and hard and what choice to make here. I've so many responsibilities to myself and yet, I choose to be responsible on others now as well. I really have to get better timing to involve myself in these kind of things.

Yet, running away from it all just seems wrong and selfish. Sometimes I hate it when people call me some stupid Prince or Knight in Shining Armour. At most I'm a gentlemen but never a posh prince, and if I'm a Knight, my armor is sure chinked to all furies of hell.

Thus, I am still left. Scratching my head like an idiot.

Confusion

2011-02-17T03:22:00.003+08:00

Is an understatement of my current state of mind.

I seem to be growing in a pace where my mind cannot comprehend or maybe my soul cannot accept. A conflict between my desires and morals are once again happening. Yet, I am so familiar with numbing my feelings and wants, it all seems pointless for them to even be there, constantly gnawing at the back of my mind, reminding me those feelings are still there and won't be left just 'wanting'.

I have walked this earth for 20 years, 2 decades. In the grand scheme of things it seems significantly lesser than a century and even more so then the age of our Mother Earth itself. But for these twenty-years I have gone through enough, to have lost my way more than once, and be put back on that path again by people that genuinely care for my well-being, or maybe so I thought. I am left feeling betrayed as it may so humorously be not even to me, but on how I left my trust in the wrong people in the wrong time again.

I have to remind myself in maybe a never-ending memo of life, that people are ever-changing and not static as I may think them so. Not something that is unmovable as a boulder, as emotions act as the waves that relentlessly wash over it, till it finally gives way.

The Past

2011-02-10T19:51:00.002+08:00

Is definitely in existence today to do many things to many different individuals out there in the world, for me it is to teach me lessons and to definitely come back and bite me in the ass ala ravenous bitch-dog.

Crap, I'm seriously screwed if that comes to light.

Is Silence really Golden?

2011-02-06T03:02:00.001+08:00

But then duct tape is silver, so what in the hell is the bronze counterpart to this equation?

I just feel like giving a Tarzan-class scream into the empty morning air, with all this pent-up frustration about so many things. It's as if my damn heart let spill over a year's worth of emotions.

Truly a soul suffers damage as well,

From misuse and abuse,

Only, time could really tell,

Whether we stay confused, or obtuse?

So when eyes lose focus, turn a hazy gray

Paths commonly unused, maybe to amuse,

Twas it all for love, for here I lay.

In there dark I stay.

With only for now fictional characters, whatever can be passed off as music to this battered soul and hazy mind to be my companions. I'm seeking refuge in my own recluse. I know who to trust, but if who you trust seem to be worlds apart in where your mind is and even further from where your heart is. What is a bumbling teen to do, but run, run away.

Things have got to change,

Here, here I come,

So please don't call me deranged,

Just please leave me numb.

Weights Lifted

2011-02-04T11:04:00.002+08:00

This emotionless devoid I have found myself sinking into seems very placid, it is quite unnerving in reality. The ground around me is unsteady, constantly moving and liquid. Not something you'd have the certainty to move onwards to, yet here I am thinking, if I stay on this small little piece of stability, will I ever.... be anything at all?

We think stability is the best thing for all things, and yet we are always proven wrong when it comes to that, people are never stable, neither are finances, neither are lives, especially when it comes to exploding hormones and irrational emotions. Pay in mind this is just me looking into myself, I got write leagues of pages when it comes to those around me, ever changing like sand caught in a strong wind.

Frustration

2011-02-02T16:29:00.002+08:00

This is going to be one of those straight-to-the-fucking-point rants.

Well, knowing me it is going to be of course a little long winded, so! To the point. Sometimes you really think hard, and you hesitate for that one moment where your heart and your brain argue within your soul to actually blurt out the words that you know should be spoken by your instinct, by your general knowledge of Right and Wrong. By what your goddamn head should not think about whether it is inappropriate or whether it is the right timing to mention those kind of things or not. By things that you know standing silently by at the sidelines is to be frowned upon is not acceptable in most situations!

So how do we soldier on with the knowledge that most probably most if not all save a few true spirits actually speak they mind. How do we humans accept criticism and better ourselves when none remain to actually do at LEAST that. Either the criticism is unacceptable by the third party or we ourselves or tossed aside as another of those worthless 'haters' that can't stand her 'guts' or what she 'has'. Cor Blimey, it has been become quite the chore to be a good friend and it just is going to get harder and harder as time goes on.

Drama, oh Drama. Where forth is all this karma coming forth from. Why has Drama gone from the stage of entertainment to the real-world. Has it evolved so much from being called ridiculous and completely unacceptable attitudes to a sugar-laced word of Drama? It it undeserving of such a grand name for such cheap actions.

Let's face it, what are we truly looking for when it comes to being there for others, seldom is a soul worthy of being cared for without a thought of reward, I admit even I have thought of a kind of repayment of sorts, but never has my conscience allowed me so to sink so low.

I am someone who cares for those around me, uninhibited, unflinching, freely, without payment and as long as I see that there is good in that person, I will not give up ever.

Interest

2011-02-01T08:25:00.003+08:00

Did something interesting today.

You know how people say we must always keep our mind and body in motion to have and keep a mentally and physically healthy physique. I suppose, today was one of those days for me.

God, it seems so hard to write my mind and let my fingers flow as they once was. It's like trying to consciously not over-think this whole damn writing thing, yet as soon as you try not to think of something, you obviously do. E.g. Don't think of Elephants = You think of fucking Elephants.

Got alot of things outta the train of thought railways that has been seriously messing up whatever is left of this already stretched mojo of mine. Sometimes, it seriously does take just letting loose and being yourself around people you trust with yourself the most to make you feel better.

It sucks, having to realise you are in a world where, you cannot ever show your 'true' self to others without being immediately judged on how you decide or how you solve your problems. What I am doing right now itself is in it's own way and method judging the general populace. But since this is my blog, I don't give a f*ck about what you think. Just think about it,

Don't you wish you can just be yourself?

Serial Murderer/Rapist or Genocide junkie aside. Being yourself is the most healthy thing you can give to your soul, without having to think about being tossed aside into the trash can of society and sociality. It truly is awesome in that way. Just thinking about those kind of realities and fantasies of just being 'free'. Hmm, might just write something about the many definitions and differences of Freedom we have. Back to the usual crap, drove around town talking nonsensical bull-crap at the same time feeling all sorts of weights be lifted not to mention smiles growing again.

Goddamn. I just might to start writing again, this is all the backlogged shit coming up together as one horrible, horrible MUMBOJUMBO! Writing? Me? Again?

Askew

2011-01-29T07:15:00.002+08:00

It's strange. How truly profound emotions are, so difficult to comprehend and even more so trying to translate them into something understandable to others. We give those emotions words that seem to relate to them, but really do these words give these emotions justice?

Longing

2010-10-05T18:17:00.003+08:00

Ever wonder what to call that feeling you get after you see someone precious to you? That feeling where, as you see that precious person either walk away or drive off after goodbyes you seem as if time has passed too quickly and you feel cheated that you didn't have a few more mere and meaningful moments with them, a rush of mixed emotions and longing suddenly surge your heart. Pained eyes watch as they quickly or slowly, depending on the situation the disappear from your sight.

Leaving you standing there, slightly flabbergasted, slightly angry, slightly frustrated, yet fulfilled but empty. Love really does has many parts to it, the good, the bad. It really is like life, beautiful yet so ugly. A rose with thorns.

Consecutively Courageous

2010-10-05T07:04:00.002+08:00

Star Journal Entry 130... in the deep void of teenage phases.

That's sorta lame, but looking past the fact my blog has reached 130 posts which makes me quite happy and straight to the point.

Damn it, as I was writing this and sipping on my slowly chilling cuppa' Milo, the inspiration behind this blog post that comes behind every single post I do, well all those sorta emo, sorta life issues posts that I have wrote.

So life is normally about facing our fears right, I feel as if I am repeating myself more and more as I write and divulge more of myself on these journals found here. My many fears I have faced, the fears I still have; the hurt I have gone through, and still feel today; of those who I gave my heart, and who still might just have it.

A survey conducted by researchers trying to find the average age a person gets married, as well as the probability of already knowing the person in your circle of friends once stated that by the time you are 16~21 you are most probably going to have already met your future spouse permanent or not. The probability in which was found by those researchers was said to be 67%. Only scrap of information is that it might not be relevant to put those crunched numbers here in Malaysia when the country it was conducted in is most probably in the West.

Inevitably, we all go through these kind of phases. The mere mention of this being a phase seems to leave a sneer across my face as I assumed that I would have been somewhat pass all these. But what is to be young, if not to be unsure, if not to be courages and brave, if not to feel and experience all these turbulent emotions that as when we cross a certain threshold into adulthood we will never forget.

Ever.

BeCiWhi

2010-09-30T02:50:00.002+08:00

So closeth another Wednesday night for me at Artista. Some more meaningful than others, and always a reminder to me of many things.

I always find myself in the proper mood to extract from the deepest darkest corners and depths of my heart the most intricate of details translated into comprehensible letters and words with my somewhat frazzled intellect; whilst I am still feeling the buzz of what keeps teenagers and many young adults going, Beer, Cigarettes and of course Whisky.

For those who might find that little combination familiar, it is of course taken from the song Brothers of my ever so loved One Night Service who is a resident at Artista Restaurant and Bar at Tropicana City Mall, rocking it out every Wedneday for the Talent Experiment. *sort of an Ad*

Alas, always in my mind am I thinking of many things, of many problems, of many solutions to those problems, and in my minds eye, to the future. What it may bring, what it has in store for me, what it could give, what it can do. Yet, with all those thoughts swimming around my mind, how can I, one so very attached to living and enjoying the air of the present, reside in the future? Why, many things.

My content and hope for life.

Twitter Twit.

2010-09-26T06:01:00.002+08:00

So apparently, I have been for the past hour trying to get my damn blog to show my tweets on the sidebar to the right. Yeah, that didn't work. *sad face*

So I guess it can be any of these reasons why it did not work. *grumpy face*

- My Twitter is Privatized.

- Blogspot is a whore.

- Twitter is a slut.

- My Blogspot merajuk.

- I'm n00b at HTML coding.

So sadly, no tweet updates. Cause I rather it be privatized. *big grin*

From Moscow with Love

2010-09-26T05:13:00.003+08:00

People come and go, that's the saying. Well the saying sucks! Balls. Seriously.

This shall not be a mushy-as-shit post about goodbyes and so forth, as much as I want it to be. *sad face*

A sad note on friends who go. It's never about how you meet them, it's never about the shit you've been through cause come a day, we could be walking past each other without so much as a glance, but as me and my good friend Yazeen once concurred on. It's about the marks the leave behind in our hearts that stay true and eternal. So it's not about a goodbye.

"It's about I'll see you again, not so soon. But surely I shall see you"

I'm going to miss you, you gosh-darned crazy person.

EDIT: There is a giant issue with alot of random buggers finding my blog because of this post. So I've changed the title.

Battles

2010-09-26T04:58:00.002+08:00

So here's the thing. We fight battles everyday. Against others, Against injustice, against even ourselves. So what if, one day you were to ask anyone, who the fuck is winning this never ending war? Pfft.

It sucks, to be a teenager in a way. With all that puberty and all that rebellion going around, I mean think about it. It's cool in one hippie-kinda freedom way but then when you come to question alot of things, you might as well be high on weed all the time being so paranoid of your surroundings. But that rant is on a whole different level groovy.

So think about it, we're supposed to be uninhibited, with few responsibilities to most excluding the few who actually have shit to do, promiscuous; flirty-charming-irresistible and the sort. Yet some unfortunate teens, such as I. Think, damn. We've done so much shit, don't you think it's like time to freaking grow up boy. So, with our newly found belief of abstinence and also of piety(in a way, mind you) we try not to fall back to our old ways.

"No matter how much it screams for it"

Thoughts, doubts and general temptation to do the old shit come to mind, I mean hell. There's an old saying that I heard once upon a time, so many years ago when mind and spirit were yet to be corrupt.

"No matter what you do, the past is there to haunt you. Either by some motherfucker, or some crazy bitch or, lord help me the memories of what once were and what once was."

Sigh. So thinking about this is not only giving me a slight discomfort in my glutious headius it's making me thing, is being this good boy and shit worth it. I shrug off those thoughts and find myself reminding myself again and again, when all is calm the stupid search for drama, when all is hectic with drama the damned hope for calm. It's a never-ending cycle of just wanting shit to do. I'm ranting again, back to the point.

I was what I was, I am what I am now. What I am is someone who doubts and questions yet is also someone who holds knowledge. Who holds knowledge of how fudged things where once upon a time and not stupid enough to go back to it. Go back to what, seems to be something my teenage hormones seem to be screaming for.

Goddamn, was this long ass post just to say I was horny or something?

Fired Up

2010-09-21T19:40:00.002+08:00

Well hello again dear diary, ever listening ear, forever journal and chronological of my life.

First Semester Degree. Lots to do, even more growing up to do before I get out of my sweet safe cocoon of life into the cruel and unfair world. Seems like I dropped a heavy burden that swayed my thoughts, and either way. It seems, whatever the answer may be that I receive from this burden being lifted from me.

Everything might just be clear.

Snap

2010-09-16T16:59:00.002+08:00

I always find myself wondering on the why's and how's, questioning most of the things around me and trying my very best never to conform to generalisations made by others judgment and not my own. This has turned into a forced and very required habit.

Then thinking about the answer to the questions itself leaves me in a state of mind comparable to a crunched up piece of paper. I choose to go with the flow and get the answer which I was either dreading or looking forward to being told from the individual who's response I so longingly wish to hear, what's done is done.

My mind is set. Here I am trying all over again, for the same beliefs I had when I was a kid. *laughs* I think, when we were kids and pure from all forms of corruption in our mind and heart, we had our thoughts and mind at it's clearest.

Cleansing Rain

2010-09-06T21:53:00.002+08:00

Not sure who still reads my blog, but this is more of a express myself post.
Symptoms of typing something awesome are already checked, dead tired, restless heart, wanting spirit and burning desires.

It seemed so far like many dredging and gloomy days were ahead of me, with not many things to look forward to. Apart of course, from the problems and issues that were already in my hand and resting on my ever so tired lap. But spending time with a good friend for more that 12 hours today doing all sorts of random shit, did not turn out so bad it seems.

My heart and head in all sorts of tumbled lines of confuzzledness. I remained maybe, ignorant to how it could be better with effort. Filling my already doubtful mind with even more unneeded doubt of what if's and fears of failure, I questioned myself. I quizzed myself on questions long not asked by my inner fears.

Although it all seemed dark and it all seemed lost. Sometimes we all just need something to cleanse ourselves. This time in fact quite literally, through rain that could make you feel like you stepped into a pool. Tears can do so much, but the cold pitter patter of rain on your shell-shocked skin can be quite the equivalent. Which each icy cold droplet, more and more was my confidence reassured and restored to what it nearly was. Even a smile while I shivered and chattered my way through KLCC to try and find warmth *which was found using the hand-dryer*

Now it all seems to be, is whether I can muster enough strength to see my heart through with it's stalemate. Which I promise myself to be, either make it or break it. For it's a vow of innocence if failure emerges from the dust the victor.

Wrinkles

2010-08-27T03:17:00.002+08:00

What the hell, is going on with my head and my heart and my mind.

FUDGE.

What am I waiting for?

Closing

2010-06-26T23:05:00.003+08:00

This time for sure.

I'm going to redo another blog this time. Maybe something different. Something more bold and pronounce yet insignificant and shadowed.

http://nethernadoe.blogspot.com/

New link, redesigned. A new blog with a new me I guess. :) just hit me up for invites. Either on my facebook or send me a comment here. To anyone who still follows me ah. :P

Dreams

2010-06-26T05:21:00.003+08:00

There's a huge difference between fantasy and reality. I realise that. But if reality seemed so close to fantasy, and suddenly that fantasy was taken away from you. The reality you have to face is a harsh one. I'm hoping with my arms in the air and my prayers of scream to the heavens can do something to prevent that from happening. I don't think I could actually recover this time.

I love writing shit when I'm exhausted, lonely and somewhat tipsy. But this time too tired to actually write a proper rant about life. :) So goodnight.

Brazen

2010-06-08T01:28:00.002+08:00

Another post by me. In the midst of having to write thousands of words soon for my assignments. I still seem to find time to get back to this wonderful outlet of emotions I have. I find myself resisting with everything I have, not to do anything stupid. Yet I might just be doing the most stupidest thing I can thing of and do. Aaah, FML.

Here I am casting myself away,
Cursing into the winds for my fortunes,

Screaming and howling to no avail,

Till that tiny flicker made me see light,

and wish upon a starry sky.

Gem

2010-06-02T01:43:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile boys and girls that like to follow this rubbish. So prepare to be shocked to see an update by me!

It's been a heck long time since I last left my beloved blog to do any posting apart from rotting and being some kinda emo outlet for me. I think I can finally and happily enough say. 'Good Morning to that missing part of me, Good Night to those fears that kept it away' It's been forever since I felt like I could really reach in and let these emotions out.

"It's been so long, too long,

That I reached in deep within myself,

To finally pull out something vivid and real"

It really took an act of kindness that I seemed to give out to many who has lost hope and their paths until finally I have become the receiving end of this kindness which maybe I have so truly looked forward to. Unconsciously I blocked out all this desires to really be accepted and comforted and focused more on the needs of others before my own. But hell, I've never been STFU'd like that ever. It just made me smile; I closed my eyes and laid back for a good few minutes trying to think. Of all people I think I found another saint.

"Once again a disappeared part of me breathes,

Opens it eyes, and lives,

Taken by a light from it's dark corner,

A true gem found by it's owner"

I wonder and ponder.

Listen and Behold,

The Taste of Ink - The Used

Hellogoodbye.

2010-01-13T03:04:00.002+08:00

Who would have thought I'd be coming back anytime soon? I guess since I started college I never thought I'd be blogging again. But since I need to brush up on my literary talents which have so far eluded me since the New Year. Cyeah~

Another reason for me being reconnected with this former keyboard love of mine. It's time for me to look for an outlet for all this pent up feelings that are seriously making my glass bend, impossible yet feasible heh. As always, life just shucks. Exam in another 5 hours, hurraaay. \x/

Listen,
Sick Puppies - Don't Walk Away.

This is it.

2009-09-27T19:50:00.003+08:00

That's all folks and there's porky pig giving the credits.

After nearly 3 years of using Blogger. I'm done. I'm moving on to use a new online journal. 114 posts, countless words, unforgettable memories and emotions be it sorrow or be it joy. Thanks for those who follow me and read my blog regularly. My love goes to you loyal blokes and dudettes. :)

I'm moving to http://nadoedope.tumblr.com/ and this is my last and final post. :)

Listen and Behold
Another Heart Calls - AAR

Trials

2009-09-17T23:15:00.002+08:00

is what await me and all who reside beneath the Lord's throne by kingdom come.

Lol, I could be some crazy writer one day god forbid.
Going through my mid-terms this week and shit, I've already missed so many classes. I'm fucking afraid I might be barred from a few of them. Gotta get the MC's or talk to Miss T, I mean no way I missed 4 classes already. Although, being late rofl. Have I ever been punctual for anything in life?

Hoping I'll do well for my Mid's so I get a good final score. Sigh. ): Life sucks, but life's like that aye? I miss everyone.

Rubbish

2009-09-09T01:05:00.001+08:00

Somehow, I was never even there.

Heartfelt

2009-09-08T04:24:00.002+08:00

Okay so I lied, sue me.
This is most probably the last thing keeping me from screaming at 4.30 in the morning.

I've never felt so important in anyone's life ever before. I've never felt so wanted by anyone ever before. But you gave me all that, in your own way. Never before could I have thought loving you meant hurting me. But I never wanted to let go cause I love you with my very heart and everything I hold dear. I don't know how to say it when I say my heart can't take this kind of pain anymore. I can't stand not being able to hold you for so long, not being able to talk to you through so many methods. It hurts me deeply and I don't think it'll ever heal. Every single night I cry thinking about this before I go to sleep. Every single goddamn night.

Ever since I got to where I am now. I feared only one thing, which was hurting you. I can't take it anymore baby. I just can't. I don't know what I want anymore. I want you, but it hurts. Don't blame yourself about anything. The fault lies all on me. I should have said something earlier. I should have been honest as you say it's what you cling onto. I couldn't do it. Please, don't think ill of me. I don't ever wanna lose you. I'm afraid eventhough we made the deal on that night. We'd still drift and I don't think I'll survive the thought of losing you forever, us not talking. I wouldn't be able to live through that. I said I would be better for you. I failed, I said I could be better and I shall, I failed. All of these failures are my own, showing how I am not worthy of you. It has been my complete honor being loved by you, and it has been I think the best time of my life loving you. I'll doubt I'll ever be as happy as I was with you. But you deserve better before I turn back into the old me. I don't ever want to hurt you. Not in the ways I know I am capable of doing.

I will forever love you, I'm sorry for being such a jerk and most of all I'm sorry for not being enough. Please don't think ill of me.

Listen and Behold,
Delirium - Paul Oakenfold

Closure

2009-09-08T04:05:00.002+08:00

First post I've done in yonk, but I've had nothing to write.

Although so many things have been happening in my life since I entered college. I just haven't found the will to write again. Nothing, whatsoever. It saddens me to think I cannot conceive my regular bunch of bullshit, my rhythmic poems, those true to the heart stories and those ever so personal things that come from my very soul.

Nothing.

Could it be, that it has finally come a time where I lose the ability to type out my feelings and also the ability that I have to write? God could you possibly be so cruel.

I'm not going to close this blog but leave it here. Cause to me, this is a journal, a diary a timeline of how I've changed since the first posts. But I'm not going to write anything as the persona I am now. For it is now me.

For these tears I shed are for the things I am about to detach myself with. The things that I have left behind as well as those that I have grown distant or have grown hostile towards. The memories and the times. -suddenly it sounds suicidal xD-

Each tear I shed is heavy, Each tear symbolises something. Each tear is special and yet wasted. Each tear was too long overdue. My heart breaks, My soul screams, the boy cries.

My world is torn asunder and I have no intention of saving it. Let me drift slowly into nothingness for I want the eternal nothingness as well as solitude.

I might reopen this book when it is time. But for now it shall stay shut for the time being. To my loyal readers. Thank you for following me. I'll be back whenever.

Batai

2009-08-18T15:59:00.001+08:00

Lol. That be name of the street I am at now. Gawd. I miss Ampang ):

Despair

2009-08-04T19:07:00.002+08:00

Well. I can finally write a few things of worth now owing to the fact that I have got music back in my life. (: Wicked!

Been posting more lately since I got into college. Yahoo for me. Although I can't help shake that naggy feeling that something is horribly wrong. I'm going to be doing something in my own way to see whether something is worth it or not. Whether things will be the same or different. It's time for the old me to come out for awhile. Baby forgive me.

Listen and Behold.
The Hush Sound - Magnolia

Trouble

2009-08-03T05:02:00.003+08:00

Lol. I am seriously swamped.

I'm like freaking gonna have a panic attack and die with the amount of work I gotta do. My social life is going to be my college life mark my words. I basically live there already man. Library is my bed and Mentari is my Ampang now.

I'm starting to understand college life now. I wanna do well so I gotta buck up and suck it up and do it all! But it's been one week and I already feel as if I have my duties to a few people. Although some might say to each, their own. I want to follow that. But I'm not selfish as teamwork is important here.

I came somehow relate to that.

Peeks

2009-08-01T03:04:00.010+08:00

Into my life as a College boi. Hoho.

Well. I've been in Taylors now a week with a handy dandy "([NEW])" laptop and self-righteous determination bordering on religious zeal to do well in for the first sem. But I seriously SERIOUSLY feel like I'm either going to be friends with my ever so interesting course mates forever then. We've only been around each other for like a week but we're thick as thieves now.
A regular band of merry tight wearing men. Hoho.

Introducing my very own Little John ;

Wesley Clinton Danker
My Gayass Scandal
*Raucous Lol's*

My Daily Teh Tarik Crew

The Royal Crazee's
A.K.A
Everyday Lepak People.

Darren Goh
Stoner Associate and Enthusiast

A Common Scene After Class
Thapa's Apt.

Intake of July 09'
Communication

Will load up more photo's as they come by. Still waiting on the one's for rock-climbing. I can't wait for them. My future profile picture is there damn it! Hahahaha. Been awhile since I posted something like this. Hope it's satisfactory since my long absence. Why is my spell checker not working. I know I spelled a few things wrong. :/

Anyway. I got like a million and two words to write and gabajillion presentation and essays to write. So I'm going to be HAVING LONG ASS Absences thanks to that. Gotta sort a few things out with people as well though. Cause I'm not comfortable with a few going's on.

Hmm. What else is there. Till then, See you in the next post. Thanks loyal followers!

Listen and Behold,
Still no music ):

Updates

2009-07-29T00:47:00.002+08:00

Hello my loyal readers!
Sorry I've been away for so long. I hardly think anyone is left reading my blog actually. So little feedback and activity at all in the CBox and the Comments. Anyway here's the updates so far.

Got into college at Taylors Petaling Jaya campus. Taking Mass Communication and is actually quite enjoying it there hoho. Fun people, Fun lecturer* (Since I've only met one) and not to mention most of the people here are like hotty hot hot. Kudo's to Kuzco.

Got another laptop. Hope to god it doesn't CRASH again. =_= I really need better luck with this bloody things. So I got to get myself a better wallie and some damn music for this lappie. It's getting quite boring here just listening to myself type and mumle. Haha

I wonder what else.... I think that's it. (: Till the next post!

Rain v2

2009-07-29T00:08:00.000+08:00

The whisper of the raindrops in the distance of my psyche,
Seems to be the emotion to finally come so swiftly,

For the never ending sorrow that shrouded joy,
Something dark which light it toys,

Hurtful memories come to show long forgotten fear,
A past so haunting it that never seems to disappear,

A scar that reminds of the hurt that was once there,
That throbs and bleeds so deep and unaware,

Bracing myself with every doubted breath,
That tear upon the half sown stitches,

Of which my efforts were futile to try and hide,
Emotions long forgotten that bide and reside,

Waiting for the time our guard is dropped,
Waiting for us to naively think it's safe again,

With each anguished cry for help, and every sob of pain,
Slowly those half sown stitches begin to tear apart,

Spilling again those that should and have remained unspoken,
Thoughts of taboo swim again to the surface,

Hinting and Reminding,
Secrets and Mistakes,

Never for too long do they stay forgotten,
Never for too long do they stay buried behind those smiles,

Always grasping for ground,
Waiting once again for the dam called Patience to break.

What Am I?

2009-07-13T02:44:00.001+08:00

According to a quiz.

I find it to be quite accurate.

I'm a romantic.

Romanticists are sensitive, warm, creative,clever and...of course romantic. They feel unique and they want to be seen as 'different'. They are very intuitive and introverted; sometimes they're sad and melancholic. They need affection: people need to listen to them, to understand how they feel. Romanticists are also very idealistic. RELATIONSHIPS: Relationships are the center of your life. Though they are difficult. You tend to attract and reject. If you hesitate on friendship, you resign. It's difficult for friends or lovers to find out how to handle you. In relationships you can end the affair because of the smallest problem or fear to be rejected. FIXATION: melancholy VICE: jealousy/envy VIRTUE: equanimity PROFESSIONS: musician, writer, artist, actor, ...

Shrug

2009-07-13T02:12:00.002+08:00

Well dear blog readers. It's been awhile since I've been back.
Currently at a CC now to show you how fucked up my goddamn internet connection is at home :/

Well here's a couple of updates since the last time I post. Which was like fucking yonks ago. So forgive me my loyal readers (: Anyway, updates are ;

I'm moving. Damansara Heights (August 7th)
Looks like I'm finally losing my title as an honorary Ampang boy eh? That saddens me deeply.
I'm legal! Just celebrated my 18th birthday like on the 9th of July. Thanks for all the wishes boys and girls. I really do appreciate them! 68 of them this year! Hehe.
I'm down and depressed.

I'm going to write something now,
To whom it may concern and feels it most. You know it's meant for you. If you even still read my blog.

I miss you. These almost 5 months now with you seem to have been the most trying and best time of my life. I've let you down in more ways than one and yet I feel I can't do anything to redeem myself for it.

You deserve more and I've been trying. Somehow I still feel as if I can't make you happy. My birthday just passed by and you most prolly gave me the best present ever. By being there. Holding my hand and keeping me company on a day I don't like to celebrate. *That swanky wallet to boot* I loved that by the way. Will be my most prized possession for now.

Anyway. I miss you. I really do. I just feel so. Not there anymore. Not to anyone. I miss you.

I love you.

Listen and Behold,
Click Five - Empty

Loops

2009-06-21T03:22:00.003+08:00

What am I to do. I feel horribly shitty.

I know why. I don't see the point anymore weyh. It's not fair not is it cool. Am I not human?

Listen and Behold,
Daft Punk - Around the World

Mindfuck

2009-06-20T07:12:00.002+08:00

A big one. A giant one. A totally unexpected one.

I really should learn to not say things too soon. It always goes awry in some way or another in some strange way. Like me supposedly moving to Damansara Heights. It got completely scrapped thanks to some stupid owner. Got me all sad about leaving my home grounds for nothing. I'm just glad I'm setting alot of shit I was supposed to do months ago.

New simcard [ CHECK ]
College [pending]
New phone [ CHECK ]
Haircut and Grooming [ CHECK ]
License negotiations [pending]

Just a little bit more and I'm done. I think. I might have to rethink the people I trust. I put so much faith in them that I forget they are humans and are also subject to temptation. But no way in hell did I expect something like this to happen. This was completely and utterly . . There is no better word. SHOCKING I mean, It's just something you don't do. Not to someone you call your close friend. I'm currently irate that I could do nothing to prevent it. Most of all, it's partly my fault. If not mostly. I don't how I am too face this. Should I keep my silence and act as if nothing happened, or should I let everything all out. Cause this was complete bullshit.

Bullshit! BULLSHIT! I mean what the fuck. I know I'm just fucking writing down comprehensible text and words down and ranting following where the wind of rage takes me. BUT WHAT THE FUCK. I'm so disappointed. I'm disgraced by what you did. I'm, Bah. I just gotta think it through next time I choose my friends. I have in my circle right now. A lucky few who I can depend on. But I am going to seriously SERIOUSLY, narrow down those that I trust with alot of things. For want of a better word. I need to find more reliable friends. Cause that just wasn't freaking cool.

Sigh. I'm shivering now. What might come to me cause this was caused by my bad judgment of humans. Of people I THOUGHT I trusted. To those who abused it. Bah. Humbug.

Listen and Behold
Papa Roach - Scars

Facts

2009-06-16T19:25:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile.
This funny feeling.
Feels like floating again.
Aimlessly,
Peacefully,
For such a long time.
No longer.

I'm disappointed. Very. Very. At myself. At people. Can no one really show me that am I worth all of this? No one at all.
Cause I'm killing myself being so quiet.

Turd

2009-06-11T07:25:00.002+08:00

Now that a different word to say apart from 'shit' now innit? Haha.

Got bloody tired of using the word shit, or crap. It's like freaking overused already maaaahn. I warn you now this is going to be a long one. I've been deprived of my emo music for so long I feel as if I'm suffering. I'm a musical person and I'm not getting my needed dosage of it. It's like druggie going through withdrawal sypmtoms.

I'm worried for alot of thinks now. Finacially due to the Recession that's around the corner, Health wise due to the Pandemic that's also looming since the rise of the A H1N1 disease. Also emotionally and mentally as well as academically to many many things indeed. My heart seems to be beating at a slow and constant speed nowadays and yet it feels oddly gloomy.

It's fucking up my mood and I'm still trying to figure out why. I short-tempered, humor-less. Which scares me the most cause I'm the one most of the time fucking jumping around making jokes left and centre throwing caution to the air feinting ignorance at whether said jokes are comical or not. Now that's a complicated line of English to ponder right there you whiny-ass bitches.

I seem to be regaining my abilities back in pool and foos. So happy day for me. Kicked my seniors ass in foos. 11-1 :) And beat Liy at two racks *luck* before losing 3 consecutive times after that. I need a haircut. Threading. Zzz. Cash cash cash always spent. I want a job as well. Would be nice. Still wondering about an invite to go do something with a certain group of people. Curiousity did kill the Nadhir once. Mhmm.

Finding myself reading awhole lot more as well nowadays. Which in turn is improving my written English but not my spoken as I still mumble as much as I breath. Pun very much intended. Laptop still gone but atleast I have a phone now. So people can ring a ting ting me. OH FUCK. I forgot I had something to do at Jalan Jelutong today. How the fuck am I going to get there damn it. Hmm. Call a friend la kowt. Might as well. I'm interested in meeting all the sengal girls again. ^^

I feel left out.

Listen and behold,
For I HAVE NO FUCKING MUSIC TO LISTEN TOOOOO!

Tweedetoo!

2009-05-20T20:28:00.003+08:00

I got a Twitter!
http://twitter.com/nadoedope

Add me up people! :D

Listen and Behold,
Adam Lambert - Live on America Idol

Heartburn

2009-05-18T02:59:00.004+08:00

I think I've found the hottest person on earth. *drools*
Viki Blows
Ignoring the Pornstar name.
She's a Page 3 Girl.
Ho' Crap.

Homg

I melt, I melt!

Okay. I know I'm. Whatever! She's like smoking hot god damn it! I must share this information with as many people as possible! Homg homg homg. *dies*

Listen and Behold

Akon - Right Now

Subtle

2009-05-17T12:34:00.003+08:00

Something I am not.

Somehow. I feel something is being kept from me. I don't know what. But it's as if everyone knows it except me. Like, I'm some sort of disease that's being avoided.

Currently stuck in a situation where I'm fearing the possibilities of many things. Each and everyone of those possibilities is like the worst case scenario for me. Not something to look forward to I can tell you that.

Me being stuck in KL ALONE and everyone else going off to their respective places.

Not getting into college this year or missing the first intake. I don't kinda wanna waste time the whole year. Was not my plan.

Losing someone. I care deeply for, to something stupid

So hence, the dilemma I'm stuck with. I sent my appeal to the head office of UiTM already with much crossed-fingers and prayers. I'll get the first intake for my UiTM. But seriously. It's a fucking outrage I didn't pass the interview. Seriously. I reserve a space in my heart to hate those assholes. I'VE NEVER FAILED AN INTERVIEW IN MY LIFE YOU WHORES.

On a brigher note. Today's my three montherversary with Aamyra. (:

3 Months baby. Didn't feel like it at all now did it?
I'm not going to use your line.
I've got enough of my own.
I'm just going to keep it simple.
I love you.

Listen and Behold
JT - My Love

Bah.

2009-05-16T09:20:00.001+08:00

Gotten lazy writing for now.

Will be back soon. Need to find some inspiration to write about something :P Internet needs a right kick in the arse as well. So until then. Au Revoir.

Listen and Behold,
Chris Brown - Forever

Mum

2009-05-10T07:12:00.004+08:00

This is for you.

Aunt Jaq, Mum, Elvanna

Your most probably never going to read it cause I don't EVER want to show you my blog. But it's a way for me to show my appreciation in away I don't feel guilty I didn't do anything (:

-edited- parts that weren't supposed to be obvious *Thanks Liyy*

Listen and behold,
Miley Cyrus - The Climb

Relapse

2009-05-10T06:47:00.003+08:00

First thing's first. Happy Mother's Day everyone.

Not a really good one for me I supposed. Mum's not around. *Chuckle* Sent her a message that wasn't replied. I'm starting to wonder who you are you know? There's a strange emptiness around now.

I feel as if I'm back to where I was last year. Somehow. I'm praying that I am accepted into UiTM when I see the Dean of MassCom soon. Literally I prayed. You know how scary it is for me until I prayed? But It's kinda toned down now. I've been praying alot. Whoo. I've stopped doing alot of things actually.

Drinking? Hmm. Not as much as before.
Drugs? Lol. Non-existent.
Cancer sticks? These royal little men are going to kill me. Nuff' Said.
Extra-Marital Activities? Also. Toned down.

But here I am. I did it again. I got involved into something I shouldn't have. You know how much I fear doing things like this? I really got to learn to look before I leap bahaha. Stupid pun intended. It's my fault again. It's about those close to me again. But somehow. I said what I wanted to. I said sorry. But it's not worth that much anymore I suppose. Doesn't matter. Very little matters to me now. What does?

The sun's up again, headed for another horizon and another challenge. Strange thing to look at for inspiration since I barely ever am awake to see it. Fascinating, yet enthralling. I think I'm losing what's left of my sanity. I feel as if I'm ripping off someone elses post I once read but, there's got to be something wrong with me when there is so much for want of a better word CRAP I'm completely ignorant of it. It's strange.

" I know it's there, but why am I not bothered?
It's as if I'm staring Ju-on in the face and act indifferently "

I'm definitely not the same person who wanted to live by those principles not too long ago. I grew up. I avoided going through those things. Now I have. What am I ? I'm not Me. I'm not Him. Maybe I'm finally just Someone.

" I died inside, I'm a shell outside, a ghost in my eyes "

Someone. Anyone. Missing person posters are out. Named Ahmad Nadhir. Age 18 this July. Reward given to whoever finds his missing soul. Answers to lame jokes and stupid laughs.

Listen and Behold,
The Fray - You Found Me

Break The Horizon

2009-05-04T07:08:00.002+08:00

That's what the sun does everyday. I was thinking about it, how it seemed like everyday the sun take the challenge to break through the unreachable and seemingly impossible task of that. I took it as something to drive me on?

I can't believe I didn't get the UiTM interview. It so utterly sucks that I didn't get it and most of all I feel like where the hell am I supposed to go now? Having known that fact. It's been hard for me to sleep and most of all. It's been making me really lazy to go out unless it's important. My perspectives on alot of things changed and I caught myself looking at things inconceivable to think of before. I wonder, has the way I looked at things changed?

Well, I'm certain there was different shade of orange and gold when I saw that sun come up today. Wasn't too smart of an idea to stare at it as I got blinded and nearly fell off the roof but hey. Beauty has it's sacrifices. Currently wondering what I'm going to do. Currently missing my Baby bad. Currently thinking about how unfair things seem for everyone else. I find myself freezing now, thinking about so many things. Sighing to the fact of all things that has happened and is happening.

How beautiful things are but not so often enjoyed,
Although in plain view but in hiding to most,
To think, that something so pure is toyed.
Alas, it's just home is what we seek to own.

The horizon is what we aim, and where it dwells,
Everyday it achieves it's dreams of impossible,
Time tells many has been entranced by its spells,
The sunrise is our symbol of an ever rising angel.

I wonder, what will tomorrow's sunrise bring?

Listen and Behold,
Norah Jones - Sunrise

Fireworks

2009-05-02T06:32:00.002+08:00

That's how I always dreamt I'd go out. In grand applause, a big show and dazzling colours.
Either that or fighting off a horde of zombie's. :D

But I had the weirdest of dreams just now. Well first off, it was about missing car tyre's and the it ended up to be extra car tyres. Then it was like random images of what I did today. Pretty fun day actually. :D

Then it kinda changed to a place of dark grey and extreme quiet. I was standing at the corner of a room. I realised it was a dream but curiousity got the better of me. So I decided to look around and see what was going on with the creepy who died vibe? I saw alot of faces I recognized. Everyone had a sad face or was crying in someones shoulder/chest. I was like sheesh. I guessed someone died. But sampai tahap camnie? It would have had to be recent cause everyone looked exactly the same. I mean hell, they're we're people there I don't even talk to anymore. So I was wondering who do I know that knows all these people?

"A mystery is what was found for in history's stead,
puzzling and twisted. Grey and blurry"

Making my way through the throngs of people within the room and I thought to myself. Why does this room look so familiar to me? I was looking around and found the room to be bigger than I thought it was. It wasn't the room that was cramped. It was the sheer amount of people present. I was thinking, it's either the PM died or someone freaking important. I finally got tot he center and found a bed and a sheet covering the person who was lying there. An assortment of tubes and electronic gizmo's were strewn across the area of the bed. It was starting to get annoying everything was in gray. I thought I was more creative than that.

I roll my eyes and thought. Let's get this over with. Who's the jackass under the sheets. I pull the cover to my jaw slackening suprise and dumb-striking senses.

"It's me."

Needless to say. I had a new found respect for dreams I become conscious in. It also gave me goosebumps I feel until now to the effects my death might or not have. It's scary suddenly thinking about death and waking up to the fact we all might just suddenly leave for the next adventure anytime.

But, heck. I realise now I seriously love all my friends. I'd hate to ever see them that sad.

Listen and Behold,
Gatecrasher - Silence

Result

2009-05-01T15:07:00.002+08:00

KIMAK AH.

Boleh terjadi sebegini. Saya tak peduli apa sekarang ini. Dalam secara yang paling sopan yang mungkin. INI TIDAK ADIL. Boleh pulak I tak diterima memasuki UiTM. Apakah perlu saya buat? Slap the grandma? ISSSH.

I don't care.
FUCK OFF.

Raise a glass

2009-04-30T07:29:00.003+08:00

To life. To the challenge of living it. To the test of surviving it. To the contest that is to succeed in it.
This is a reply to something my friend Zuri wrote about life and to try to relate to it. I agree with her about many things in it and this is my look on it.

Zuri just posted something that made me think alot. I'm writing this here and then later posting it to facebook. Tagging everyone I can. But I can't help but relate to it. In just so many many ways.

Firstly, I'm not going to be shy about this. But life has screwed me over more than just once. I'm still debating with myself whether me being born is screwed enough. But anyway. Here's my take on life. *Raise those glasses people for life is what we live everyday*

How does it feel. To go through that first heartbreak? That first lost of a loved one. The stabbing, fleeting feeling of being betrayed by your bestfriends? Being cheated on, Being dumped. So many things that can literally make you wish that you were never born.

A universal question normal pops into our mind at this point. Why does these things happen to me? Newsflash! It happens to everyone. Those lucky few escape some of the huge one's that can shake the foundations of someone's life. It's only a matter of time. But you are going to go through it.

The feeling of sudden realisation of how alone you are in the world is scary, vivid and unfair. It makes your emotions into a scrambled mess and your mind into an unworldly blur. You can never think straight. You spend sleepless nights draining your eyes of tears, sobbing to your closest confidante's about it. Life is unfair, life waits for no one and most of all. Life does and will not ever, I repeat. EVER. Revolve around you.

There are moments in life. It can happen anywhere. From being out with friends to sitting down enjoying a nice cup of Earl Grey Tea or maybe even having what you think is the love of your life in your arms ; That you think. Is this all there's to there to life? What significance am I, We actually to life? We're not into any ground-breaking research. Most of us aren't even going to do anything that benefits the earth in life. Sex, money, marriage, friends. When you think subjectively. There's not much to go with. People say go with the flow. What flow? We're just a tiny speck of dust in the infinite that is the universe.

I've thought about suicide. I confess that. But I also thought. What would happen to the people around me? Did they even care I thought? I shook my head and said to myself ;

"Of course they do dumbass, what are you thinking?"

I'm not selfish enough to but all that burden on those around me in life. Here's another perspective of life for you. Earth was made to be beautiful with living things that god has given and created to benefit the Earth. That is something religion teaches us. Heck, religion teaches us alot of crap but we never really dig deep and see those hidden teachings between the lines. Look at us. We destroy Mother Earth, We kill each other. We rape, We start wars over trivial things. Things that can be shared but we've been killing each other since the start of our existance. I sometimes wonder. Are we meant to be here? Are we the disease to Earth instead of the cure?

Holy crap this has gotten long. going to end it soon. Enough of the emo -slit slit wrist- session. I hope I've made you think. What are we. Why are we here? Big questions. No answers. I've made it a goal in my life to find that. Not by being a scientist but by just living. I'm not going to be stuck behind a desk all my life. I want to go out and see the world. I won't survive being that bored and caged. But here's another thought of freedom. You think your so free? We live on a giant floating rock.

Finally, Many people might think I'm a cheerful person. I'm one by principle. Not by nature. I've always had extremely bleak outlooks on life. That is something common to me now. It's by the thought that there is enough sad faces that go through sorrow every single day. I live a comfortable life so why complain? Better a happy face than a wrinkled frown anyday.

Life. Live it, learn by it. Most of all. Survive it.

Quotable quotes for this topic.

" Hidup ini memang palat, tapi esok masih ada " - from the movie KAMI (Not sure whether it's correct)

" Life is not always rainbow and butterflies, but compromise " - A line from the band Maroon 5
Cheers.
Listen and behold,
Tiesto - Elements of Life 2007 Mastermix